Happiness, Anger, A General Outlook On Life

If I am angry at someone, If I am Happy, If I feel embarrassed, If I treat people I don't see eye to eye with different then those I see eye to eye with. If I feel superior or better then someone, If I treat someone with disrespect, If I choose to become prideful. Why do I react?? Who do I put the blame on??
The way I feel and act, are directly a result of what I have been taught in the days, all the days before this. If I disagree with someone, It's not because I don't like that individual, Its because my morals, value's and beliefs are different from that persons. If I don't understand something, I should ask and if I think I don't like someone it's most likely that I don't agree with a behaviour that person displays. Stress for me is the difference between the way things are and the way that I want them to be, (power and control)
People are funny beings, we are what we know. If I was taught to frown when I was happy, I would. If I has taught to blow myself up in the name of religion I would. People no matter how I want them to act are going to be who and how they are taught to be. I have no control over people places and things. In order to reduce stress in my life, I have to change my image of how I want the world to work, to how it actually works.
I think the most important learning lesson for me is, I know that I feel the way that I want to because I choose to feel that way. If I am mad at someone because I am embarrassed, first of all my anger is a result of not being comfortable with myself as a person. I know that embarrassment is a result of shame, its easier for me to become angry because I have been taught that as a male its okay to become angry and its not okay to show emotion and cry. However to approach that person who embarrassed me and say, "I would appreciate it if you did not talk about that" would be much easier then remaining angry at that person and holding on to a resentment. If I am mad at someone and they don't know, then it's my problem, If someone is angry at me and I don't know, Its their problem. If I live and act in a way where I never intentionally hurt anyone, then I know I am exactly who I want and exactly where I want to be.
To be self-satisfied and have a good self-esteem is crucial to effective assertive communication. I know for myself personally it took me a long time to get out of lying cheating and stealing to help my addiction. I had to change everything I thought about myself and everything I thought I knew about the world. I felt for a long time that the world revolved around Billy. I thought that without my vast amount of knowledge and good looks, the world wouldn't function properly. Realizing that I am just one more person in a world full of people with different values and beliefs is a humbling experience to say the least. So why am I here?? To do the best with what I have for today and be good with me as a person.
Next time you look at someone with judgement, or feel like someone is not on the same level so to speak, think about what that person knows, what they have been taught. Why is that person the way they are? Not because they dropped out of the sky, but because they have been taught that what they are doing is right, and one of the biggest things I can do to help myself is be open to hearing different opinions and be opening to changing for the better. So that one day I can have kids and they can be the best they can be because of what I know. Hold no judgement and receive no judgement. Share love and receive love. Be kind and accept kindness. Know that people are all different and deserve the same things that each and every person on the planet deserve. Respect to be who they are.

Things I'm Grateful For

Family, Smiling, Bed, Supports, Strangers, New Idea's, Walking, Running, Dancing, Discovered Moments, Memories, Travel, Life, Love, Guilt, Regret, Sadness, Remorse, Happiness, Food, Color, Sight, Snow, Warm Cars, Cars, Freedom, Speech, Cognitive Response, Lightning, Thunder, Rain, Mountains, Snowboarding, Jazz, Piano, Music, Responsibility, Candles, Cuddling, Long Night's, Early Mornings, Sunrises, Change, Values, Beliefs, Christmas, Fire's, Dogs... Days
Every day is a gift and a miracle, thanks for being a part of my life

An Adventure, To Say The Least, Continued

After sleeping it off for a night I was back in the treatment centre. They had called my parents and my Dad had agreed to pay another $1,000 dollars to enroll me in a refresher course in the program, and my job offer still stood. I was pretty happy. I just found out I could go on a 2 week relapse and maintain a job and still have a bunch of money left over.
I had a friend in treatment who had told me that there was some weed in, and that he could get some if I wanted to smoke it with him. I said sure and we smoked some pot one night. Two days after that I was asked to leave and the drove me back to Montreal, with 2 other guys. Me and my friend where then free to do whatever we wanted. First off, we had to get money, so we both set up bank accounts and ordered personal checks for ourselves. I then proceeded to write him a check for work and vise versa, I cashed mine and he cashed his, neither of us had any money in our accounts, but we sure had a lot of cash. We then proceeded to buy a bunch of cocaine and booze, along with attend numerous night clubs to which will remain nameless. After 2 weeks of hell I figured it was time to go home. We smashed a hotel room, including both mirrors the bathroom and the one on the wall, gutted both mattress's broke the TV and broke both box springs on the bed. This hotel cost us $150 a night and just about cost us a whole bunch more in fines. 
I thought it was best if I head home, so I bought a bus ticket back to Calgary and left with $200 cash and a bus ticket worth $350. After being kicked off greyhound in Ottawa and being told to wait till I could sober up I missed 8 more buses because I could stay sober enough to convince any of the bus drivers to let me on. I was stuck in Ottawa and was arrested for sleeping at the station for to many nights in a row.  After being let out of jail in Ottawa I sold my ticket and bought a ticket back to Montreal for all my true funds had run out I had $3000 dollar overdraft protection on my bank account I thought about, and when I got back to Montreal it wasn't long after before I was staying in a crack shack hotel room and was isolated for 3-5 days with a Texas micky of rum one litre of orange juice to sooth my thirst and some cocaine to keep me awake. I blacked out for about 3-5 days after that with only hints of memories in between, I had ruined my hotel room and my health all in a 4 week period, I weighed about 110 pounds soaking wet with rocks in my pockets. I remember when the guy who ran the place came up to check on me and my TV was half way through the wall, along with everything else in the room out of place he told me I had 15 minutes to pack my stuff and leave. I was so intoxicated I walked out of my hotel with my two bags and fell down a flight of stairs about 28 stairs high and what looked at the time to be straight down. I had two black eyes from fighting and blisters all over my feet. I was ready to go home.... I had begged a friend of mine to buy me a ticket from Montreal to Calgary and he said he would. If it wasn't for him I don't know where I would be today.
That's one story. I will tell more as the time comes, Thanks for reading everybody.

An Adventure, To Say The Least

Feb 21 2007, My parents had offered to send me to treatment and of course, knowing what my other options where, I accepted. One plane ride and $23,000 dollars later I was in Trois Rivieres, Quebec. I had gotten there first thing in the morning on the 21 of Feb. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I had no idea what was in store for me. We started off every morning doing what was called to them as a TR. Breaking it down simply a TR is when two people face each other about a foot away in perfect posture, not laughing or moving, the exercises can be done either eyes open or eyes closed. Every morning we would do this TR for 30 mins, first 15mins eyes open, then second 15mins  eyes closed.  before our sauna treatment which I will explain in a minute we where required to do this for 15,15 then work out way up to 30,30, then 45,45 and finally 60,60. That's one hour for those of you working on conversation charts. We also have to complete other challenges which where just as interesting if not more, however to explain all those would be like trying to ride a wooden horse through the desert. 
The sauna portion of the program we where required to sit in the sauna for 4.5 hours a day, and it was a typical 23 day stay. I however was in there for 4.5 hours a day for 43 days, and only got out because I cheated on the medication they where giving me and dumped it down the drain. Niacin was the medication in case anyone was wondering. After getting out of that we where required to continue practicing out TR's every morning, and work our way up again. However now it was 15,15 to 30,30 to 45,45 to 60,60 to 75,75 to 90,90 to 105,105 and finally 120,120 which would be 2 hour segments. The program continued carry on with more exercises that are so hard to comprehend and explain I will not go into them. I can not say however that I am not grateful for everything that I have ever been through, because without each and every influence I have experienced thus far in my life, I would not be who I am today.
After Graduation Day
I had finally completed the program with flying colors and a new found look on Scientology!! Yahoo ready to make my contact with the fourth kind!! They had invited me back to be the graduation coordinator which would mean that I would take on the task's of assisting each client along till they where ready to graduate the program, I had gratefully accepted the offer and had expressed my interest to my parents. My Dad paid off all my fines for me and gave me a few thousand dollars to get started. I flew back home for my chance to say good bye. With tears and hugs at the airport I flew back to Quebec to start my new job.
On the plane, I thought I had been so successful, I might as well celebrate and test how in control of my addiction I actually was. Why not? I Had made it this far! I bought a beer on the plane and fell asleep. After landing in Montreal, I had a friend who was supposed to pick me up. I told her to just wait and I would meet her after work. After obsessing about it all morning I finally gave in and went to the liquor store. I bought 2 Micky's of vodka, which I would normally do, so that I could conceal it in two spots. When I got to Trois Rivieres, on the greyhound, I was drunk and never ended up going back to the treatment centre... Yet.....
I began drinking and blacking out again, getting into fights, and getting in trouble. I ended up in jail 3 times and on my last visit the girl who I was supposed to meet came and bailed me out, because of the french speaking community I was in, I couldn't understand french and they couldn't understand English, however the cop was very specific in letting her know that If I ever came back there again, I would be in jail for a lot longer.  To be continued....... "Theres a lot more to this story"

Grateful

This is my photo from when I went to jail in 2007, on a breach of probation charge. I had just been sleeping outside for a number of days and hadn't showered in about 2 weeks. I had been up for about 5 days on a cocaine run and drinking binge which led be into temporary phycosis. The joys of addiciton.

This is me alot happier in christmas of 2009/2010 at my staff party. The joys of recovery!!

Let It Snow

Another beautiful day to be alive!! Since early this morning its been snowing in the beautiful city of Calgary Alberta.  I am a snow dweller and probably always will be. The majority of my activities take place in the winter time. Snowboarding, Hunting, and of course Hockey. I would much rather warm up on a cold day then cool down on a hot day. I attended a graduation ceremony we had at The Calgary Dream Centre tonight and found that it brings back so many grateful memories and thought I would share a little bit of my experience when I first came into the place that now employs me.
I first found the Dream Centre when I was 19 years old and I had no where else to go. They offered me a second chance at life and new way to live. previous to that I had been sleeping either in a jail cell or under a warm bank machine. I once ran into a lady at about 5:30 in the morning and she woke me up only to say, "God has a better plan for you" she gave me 20$ and bought me some food for the day.  I  was so very grateful for that women she gave me 20$ to drink with. I had a very curious way to think.  I came to the dream center broken, without anyone by my side. I relapsed 3 times out of there and they have always invited me back. I offer my help every day in hopes that I could save one life like they saved mine. I also owe a lot of my success to Our house Addictions recovery in Edmonton Alberta where I went for my last treatment venture and ultimately  gained my recovery for long term success. Life is very beautiful. before complaining about the puddle you have to walk through, think about the man who has no legs. Before crying about your lover think about the person who can't find love. Before complaining about your life think about those who never got one. Life is a journey and an adventure, be grateful for every minute your alive and live with a regret about things that you have done, don't regret things you never got to do.

Beautiful Morning

I was up at around 6:30 this morning and realized that waking up on such a day gives me an opportunity to be thankful for everything that I have, enjoying the beauty of what has been created for me to enjoy on a daily basis. I saw the pink speckled clouds influenced by the sun's appearance on the horizon and began to wonder about life. Moments, like that moment this morning, is exactly my meaning in life, so what if people talk about me behind my back, or if other don't understand. My meaning of life is to live in exactly every moment as it is. I once was asked if I had ever stayed up till 2:00 in the morning worried about money, of course I replied "yes" then I was asked if it did me any good??. I realized then, despite my deepest efforts to change the future with my "mind powers" its never going to happen.
I'm so excited for what the future hold for me, and have a hard time sometime living for right now, and find myself want some sort of instant gratification or something to comfort my efforts, and immediate result. I know from experience that allow my thoughts to control my mood can result in me being stuck in my own mind. I view things now from a perspective of, "whats going on and what am I thinking, what situation lead me to think that way?" It helps my thoughts become more rational. Rather the assuming I know whats going on I question myself. That also rings true for everything I do. I have to wonder about my motives, what is my ultimate goal for the actions that I'm about to take, would I want someone to do this to/for me. If I'm not honest open and willing to be honest with myself, I don't have a hope in hell of maintaining sobriety or being honest with the people who I love and who love me the most.

Another weekend

9:00 Nov 13 2010,  I have thought of writing a blog many time but haven't ever understood the meaning of why someone would sit down and read information about someone they hardly even know. Maybe I should introduce myself, my name is William D Birse, I have been an addict my entire life to my knowledge, could I have changed my fate?? could I have been just a regular old person with no addictive characteristic's?? will I ever know?? these are all questions I don't think about anymore, nor do I really understand. I know the meaning of life, and that's all I have ever wanted to know, therefore I am happy with who I am and content with living one day at a time.
I have been clean and sober for over 2 years now and how I got here was an extremely easy battle, now maybe your an addict yourself and are thinking well he is only 23 what could he know about drugs and alcohol, over the next little while I will share with you some of my experience's that lead me into my continued recovery, including going to treatment 13 times, jail 6 times relapsing more then I can shake my fist at, and finally ending up on life support because of my 12 alcohol/drug overdose.
People often tell me I should be a public speaker, that I should reach out to the youth of our society and bring some inspiration knowledge and hope. I believe that unless help is being sought, unless the needy come to the source, then it will just be deemed as useless information and therefore I am just going to be another lame public speaker who doesn't know what the youth now are going through.
How do I sum this up... If you have questions or comments please feel free to email me at bbirse@calgarydreamcentre.com and I can answer any questions you might have, I am a case manager who deals with 43 clients on a daily basis and 78 client on a bi-monthly basis all dealing with drug and alcohol addictions, if you wanna know more about my life, keep checking my blogs.