Even if I don't agree with someones perspective or ideas I am always stronger with more knowledge. If I know something about a certain subject and so does someone else, then together we are smarter. If two people are hung up on arguing with each other, what gets solved?? So it's easier to work towards a solution then focusing on the problem. If I have two people in my life who approach me and say this person didn't hold his weight on the job site, and the other person approaches me and says the same thing only about the other person. Then I have two sides to a story to which there is actually three sides. There is what person one said, what person two said, and then the truth. So whose opinion is valid?? both parties involved have an equal weight and opinion. However if I sat and focused on the problem all I would get is he said and he said. Instead focus on what can we do in the future to resolve our problem. Until I start listening and keeping my mind open to people, I can't better myself. Until I know that there's a problem I can't fix anything.
I have always found that until I am open to constructive criticism, I am close minded. No matter how much I don't want to admit to what the other person is saying. If I really think about what is being said, do I have the strength to admit it to myself. Most people's motivation is not to take down the planet, there for acts of malice are rare, however they do occur, but in most occasions when someone tells me something i have to correct about myself it's out of love and not hate. The natural reaction when getting criticism is to hold resentment and remain in denial, until we can convince ourselves that the other person is Wrong. In such cases the best thing to do is ask. "If I understand what your saying, and this is what I heard you say." If the information is given to the individual correctly then nobodies feelings will be hurt. I always have to remember when giving and receiving constructive feedback, it's important that it's in an appropriate situation. If there are 10 people around and I decide to tell someone what I think there doing wrong, it's probably not the best idea. However I can always talk to that person privately and tell them what I was thinking. Not everyone will be open to feedback either, it's important to make the situation, either about your feelings and how you where hurt or about the other person's behaviours, NOT THE OTHER PERSON AS AN INDIVIDUAL. When you present things in a way that doesn't attack someone as a person it's a lot easier to hear then if someone say "You have such bad anger problem, every little thing that happens you get angry about." If I simply took that and made it about myself. "I feel threatened, when you show your anger and threaten me, as a result I would appreciate you letting me know when your starting become angry so we can focus on a solution to that behaviour rather then continue on our current conversation."
Make sure you stay open to peoples ideas. Most people are not out to harm you but help you. Don't lie to yourself. check your motives for giving feedback. Love all ideas, you never know when your going to hear the next one that changes your life.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The New Year Is Coming
Christmas, what a time of year, I recently received a message telling me that this month is pay it forward month. A time of year to do something nice for a complete stranger. I am going to try to do my best to remember to pay it forward, as my life has been full of people who have taken a chance on me.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life and about how I came to such a conclusion about my addiction and my recovery. If it wasn't for the people who have been there for me, I don't know where I would be today. I think of every day how grateful I am that people put trust in me to allow me to help them with their problems. I had a talk with someone this morning about how, the more I think I know, the less I actually know, which means to me that if I don't allow myself to be open minded or allow myself to hear what people have to say, then I will be shutting myself off to information that could potentially be a huge part of my life. Every day I have to remind myself what a gift it is to be alive, and how I would rather live life with the regrets of things I have done, then things that I haven't.
I thought about regrets the other day, and how i don't have any, how when I feel that emotion, its a new opportunity for me to change or learn something. I find that if I am feeling regret then I probably did something that I am not to proud of, and instead of beating myself up over it, give myself a new opportunity to learn something. If I lie, then correct my lie and admit the truth, I guarantee more people would trust a new honesty then something they find out later to be a lie. If I act out of malice and anger, admit my motivation and no matter what the fear is behind the motivation, learn that its much easier to communicate then to hold resentment. Sometimes understanding my own motivation is tough, understanding why I do things and what is my true intent in putting in my feedback. I find that sometimes its better for me not to say anything at all then put in my two cents. I was given two ears and one mouth because I am supposed to listen twice as much as I'm supposed to speak. knowledge is power, and I don't believe that there isn't one person on this planet who couldn't teach me something. I am no better or worse then anyone. There is nobody out there who is any better then me. I am me and have a great understanding for what I would like to accomplish.
I received new business cards the other day and it was such a great gift for I have only ever had one before, and thought how beautiful is it that I can be given such a small thing and be so grateful to see something with my name on it.
I'm still on a path where I feel I can make tons of improvement, but am also extremely happy with how far I have come.
Wake up every day and feel your bed, think about how much you have to be grateful for, and pay it forward to someone who could use a hand.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life and about how I came to such a conclusion about my addiction and my recovery. If it wasn't for the people who have been there for me, I don't know where I would be today. I think of every day how grateful I am that people put trust in me to allow me to help them with their problems. I had a talk with someone this morning about how, the more I think I know, the less I actually know, which means to me that if I don't allow myself to be open minded or allow myself to hear what people have to say, then I will be shutting myself off to information that could potentially be a huge part of my life. Every day I have to remind myself what a gift it is to be alive, and how I would rather live life with the regrets of things I have done, then things that I haven't.
I thought about regrets the other day, and how i don't have any, how when I feel that emotion, its a new opportunity for me to change or learn something. I find that if I am feeling regret then I probably did something that I am not to proud of, and instead of beating myself up over it, give myself a new opportunity to learn something. If I lie, then correct my lie and admit the truth, I guarantee more people would trust a new honesty then something they find out later to be a lie. If I act out of malice and anger, admit my motivation and no matter what the fear is behind the motivation, learn that its much easier to communicate then to hold resentment. Sometimes understanding my own motivation is tough, understanding why I do things and what is my true intent in putting in my feedback. I find that sometimes its better for me not to say anything at all then put in my two cents. I was given two ears and one mouth because I am supposed to listen twice as much as I'm supposed to speak. knowledge is power, and I don't believe that there isn't one person on this planet who couldn't teach me something. I am no better or worse then anyone. There is nobody out there who is any better then me. I am me and have a great understanding for what I would like to accomplish.
I received new business cards the other day and it was such a great gift for I have only ever had one before, and thought how beautiful is it that I can be given such a small thing and be so grateful to see something with my name on it.
I'm still on a path where I feel I can make tons of improvement, but am also extremely happy with how far I have come.
Wake up every day and feel your bed, think about how much you have to be grateful for, and pay it forward to someone who could use a hand.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Happiness, Anger, A General Outlook On Life
If I am angry at someone, If I am Happy, If I feel embarrassed, If I treat people I don't see eye to eye with different then those I see eye to eye with. If I feel superior or better then someone, If I treat someone with disrespect, If I choose to become prideful. Why do I react?? Who do I put the blame on??
The way I feel and act, are directly a result of what I have been taught in the days, all the days before this. If I disagree with someone, It's not because I don't like that individual, Its because my morals, value's and beliefs are different from that persons. If I don't understand something, I should ask and if I think I don't like someone it's most likely that I don't agree with a behaviour that person displays. Stress for me is the difference between the way things are and the way that I want them to be, (power and control)
People are funny beings, we are what we know. If I was taught to frown when I was happy, I would. If I has taught to blow myself up in the name of religion I would. People no matter how I want them to act are going to be who and how they are taught to be. I have no control over people places and things. In order to reduce stress in my life, I have to change my image of how I want the world to work, to how it actually works.
I think the most important learning lesson for me is, I know that I feel the way that I want to because I choose to feel that way. If I am mad at someone because I am embarrassed, first of all my anger is a result of not being comfortable with myself as a person. I know that embarrassment is a result of shame, its easier for me to become angry because I have been taught that as a male its okay to become angry and its not okay to show emotion and cry. However to approach that person who embarrassed me and say, "I would appreciate it if you did not talk about that" would be much easier then remaining angry at that person and holding on to a resentment. If I am mad at someone and they don't know, then it's my problem, If someone is angry at me and I don't know, Its their problem. If I live and act in a way where I never intentionally hurt anyone, then I know I am exactly who I want and exactly where I want to be.
To be self-satisfied and have a good self-esteem is crucial to effective assertive communication. I know for myself personally it took me a long time to get out of lying cheating and stealing to help my addiction. I had to change everything I thought about myself and everything I thought I knew about the world. I felt for a long time that the world revolved around Billy. I thought that without my vast amount of knowledge and good looks, the world wouldn't function properly. Realizing that I am just one more person in a world full of people with different values and beliefs is a humbling experience to say the least. So why am I here?? To do the best with what I have for today and be good with me as a person.
Next time you look at someone with judgement, or feel like someone is not on the same level so to speak, think about what that person knows, what they have been taught. Why is that person the way they are? Not because they dropped out of the sky, but because they have been taught that what they are doing is right, and one of the biggest things I can do to help myself is be open to hearing different opinions and be opening to changing for the better. So that one day I can have kids and they can be the best they can be because of what I know. Hold no judgement and receive no judgement. Share love and receive love. Be kind and accept kindness. Know that people are all different and deserve the same things that each and every person on the planet deserve. Respect to be who they are.
The way I feel and act, are directly a result of what I have been taught in the days, all the days before this. If I disagree with someone, It's not because I don't like that individual, Its because my morals, value's and beliefs are different from that persons. If I don't understand something, I should ask and if I think I don't like someone it's most likely that I don't agree with a behaviour that person displays. Stress for me is the difference between the way things are and the way that I want them to be, (power and control)
People are funny beings, we are what we know. If I was taught to frown when I was happy, I would. If I has taught to blow myself up in the name of religion I would. People no matter how I want them to act are going to be who and how they are taught to be. I have no control over people places and things. In order to reduce stress in my life, I have to change my image of how I want the world to work, to how it actually works.
I think the most important learning lesson for me is, I know that I feel the way that I want to because I choose to feel that way. If I am mad at someone because I am embarrassed, first of all my anger is a result of not being comfortable with myself as a person. I know that embarrassment is a result of shame, its easier for me to become angry because I have been taught that as a male its okay to become angry and its not okay to show emotion and cry. However to approach that person who embarrassed me and say, "I would appreciate it if you did not talk about that" would be much easier then remaining angry at that person and holding on to a resentment. If I am mad at someone and they don't know, then it's my problem, If someone is angry at me and I don't know, Its their problem. If I live and act in a way where I never intentionally hurt anyone, then I know I am exactly who I want and exactly where I want to be.
To be self-satisfied and have a good self-esteem is crucial to effective assertive communication. I know for myself personally it took me a long time to get out of lying cheating and stealing to help my addiction. I had to change everything I thought about myself and everything I thought I knew about the world. I felt for a long time that the world revolved around Billy. I thought that without my vast amount of knowledge and good looks, the world wouldn't function properly. Realizing that I am just one more person in a world full of people with different values and beliefs is a humbling experience to say the least. So why am I here?? To do the best with what I have for today and be good with me as a person.
Next time you look at someone with judgement, or feel like someone is not on the same level so to speak, think about what that person knows, what they have been taught. Why is that person the way they are? Not because they dropped out of the sky, but because they have been taught that what they are doing is right, and one of the biggest things I can do to help myself is be open to hearing different opinions and be opening to changing for the better. So that one day I can have kids and they can be the best they can be because of what I know. Hold no judgement and receive no judgement. Share love and receive love. Be kind and accept kindness. Know that people are all different and deserve the same things that each and every person on the planet deserve. Respect to be who they are.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Things I'm Grateful For
Family, Smiling, Bed, Supports, Strangers, New Idea's, Walking, Running, Dancing, Discovered Moments, Memories, Travel, Life, Love, Guilt, Regret, Sadness, Remorse, Happiness, Food, Color, Sight, Snow, Warm Cars, Cars, Freedom, Speech, Cognitive Response, Lightning, Thunder, Rain, Mountains, Snowboarding, Jazz, Piano, Music, Responsibility, Candles, Cuddling, Long Night's, Early Mornings, Sunrises, Change, Values, Beliefs, Christmas, Fire's, Dogs... Days
Every day is a gift and a miracle, thanks for being a part of my life
Every day is a gift and a miracle, thanks for being a part of my life
Friday, November 19, 2010
An Adventure, To Say The Least, Continued
After sleeping it off for a night I was back in the treatment centre. They had called my parents and my Dad had agreed to pay another $1,000 dollars to enroll me in a refresher course in the program, and my job offer still stood. I was pretty happy. I just found out I could go on a 2 week relapse and maintain a job and still have a bunch of money left over.
I had a friend in treatment who had told me that there was some weed in, and that he could get some if I wanted to smoke it with him. I said sure and we smoked some pot one night. Two days after that I was asked to leave and the drove me back to Montreal, with 2 other guys. Me and my friend where then free to do whatever we wanted. First off, we had to get money, so we both set up bank accounts and ordered personal checks for ourselves. I then proceeded to write him a check for work and vise versa, I cashed mine and he cashed his, neither of us had any money in our accounts, but we sure had a lot of cash. We then proceeded to buy a bunch of cocaine and booze, along with attend numerous night clubs to which will remain nameless. After 2 weeks of hell I figured it was time to go home. We smashed a hotel room, including both mirrors the bathroom and the one on the wall, gutted both mattress's broke the TV and broke both box springs on the bed. This hotel cost us $150 a night and just about cost us a whole bunch more in fines.
I thought it was best if I head home, so I bought a bus ticket back to Calgary and left with $200 cash and a bus ticket worth $350. After being kicked off greyhound in Ottawa and being told to wait till I could sober up I missed 8 more buses because I could stay sober enough to convince any of the bus drivers to let me on. I was stuck in Ottawa and was arrested for sleeping at the station for to many nights in a row. After being let out of jail in Ottawa I sold my ticket and bought a ticket back to Montreal for all my true funds had run out I had $3000 dollar overdraft protection on my bank account I thought about, and when I got back to Montreal it wasn't long after before I was staying in a crack shack hotel room and was isolated for 3-5 days with a Texas micky of rum one litre of orange juice to sooth my thirst and some cocaine to keep me awake. I blacked out for about 3-5 days after that with only hints of memories in between, I had ruined my hotel room and my health all in a 4 week period, I weighed about 110 pounds soaking wet with rocks in my pockets. I remember when the guy who ran the place came up to check on me and my TV was half way through the wall, along with everything else in the room out of place he told me I had 15 minutes to pack my stuff and leave. I was so intoxicated I walked out of my hotel with my two bags and fell down a flight of stairs about 28 stairs high and what looked at the time to be straight down. I had two black eyes from fighting and blisters all over my feet. I was ready to go home.... I had begged a friend of mine to buy me a ticket from Montreal to Calgary and he said he would. If it wasn't for him I don't know where I would be today.
That's one story. I will tell more as the time comes, Thanks for reading everybody.
I had a friend in treatment who had told me that there was some weed in, and that he could get some if I wanted to smoke it with him. I said sure and we smoked some pot one night. Two days after that I was asked to leave and the drove me back to Montreal, with 2 other guys. Me and my friend where then free to do whatever we wanted. First off, we had to get money, so we both set up bank accounts and ordered personal checks for ourselves. I then proceeded to write him a check for work and vise versa, I cashed mine and he cashed his, neither of us had any money in our accounts, but we sure had a lot of cash. We then proceeded to buy a bunch of cocaine and booze, along with attend numerous night clubs to which will remain nameless. After 2 weeks of hell I figured it was time to go home. We smashed a hotel room, including both mirrors the bathroom and the one on the wall, gutted both mattress's broke the TV and broke both box springs on the bed. This hotel cost us $150 a night and just about cost us a whole bunch more in fines.
I thought it was best if I head home, so I bought a bus ticket back to Calgary and left with $200 cash and a bus ticket worth $350. After being kicked off greyhound in Ottawa and being told to wait till I could sober up I missed 8 more buses because I could stay sober enough to convince any of the bus drivers to let me on. I was stuck in Ottawa and was arrested for sleeping at the station for to many nights in a row. After being let out of jail in Ottawa I sold my ticket and bought a ticket back to Montreal for all my true funds had run out I had $3000 dollar overdraft protection on my bank account I thought about, and when I got back to Montreal it wasn't long after before I was staying in a crack shack hotel room and was isolated for 3-5 days with a Texas micky of rum one litre of orange juice to sooth my thirst and some cocaine to keep me awake. I blacked out for about 3-5 days after that with only hints of memories in between, I had ruined my hotel room and my health all in a 4 week period, I weighed about 110 pounds soaking wet with rocks in my pockets. I remember when the guy who ran the place came up to check on me and my TV was half way through the wall, along with everything else in the room out of place he told me I had 15 minutes to pack my stuff and leave. I was so intoxicated I walked out of my hotel with my two bags and fell down a flight of stairs about 28 stairs high and what looked at the time to be straight down. I had two black eyes from fighting and blisters all over my feet. I was ready to go home.... I had begged a friend of mine to buy me a ticket from Montreal to Calgary and he said he would. If it wasn't for him I don't know where I would be today.
That's one story. I will tell more as the time comes, Thanks for reading everybody.
An Adventure, To Say The Least
The sauna portion of the program we where required to sit in the sauna for 4.5 hours a day, and it was a typical 23 day stay. I however was in there for 4.5 hours a day for 43 days, and only got out because I cheated on the medication they where giving me and dumped it down the drain. Niacin was the medication in case anyone was wondering. After getting out of that we where required to continue practicing out TR's every morning, and work our way up again. However now it was 15,15 to 30,30 to 45,45 to 60,60 to 75,75 to 90,90 to 105,105 and finally 120,120 which would be 2 hour segments. The program continued carry on with more exercises that are so hard to comprehend and explain I will not go into them. I can not say however that I am not grateful for everything that I have ever been through, because without each and every influence I have experienced thus far in my life, I would not be who I am today.
After Graduation Day
I had finally completed the program with flying colors and a new found look on Scientology!! Yahoo ready to make my contact with the fourth kind!! They had invited me back to be the graduation coordinator which would mean that I would take on the task's of assisting each client along till they where ready to graduate the program, I had gratefully accepted the offer and had expressed my interest to my parents. My Dad paid off all my fines for me and gave me a few thousand dollars to get started. I flew back home for my chance to say good bye. With tears and hugs at the airport I flew back to Quebec to start my new job.
On the plane, I thought I had been so successful, I might as well celebrate and test how in control of my addiction I actually was. Why not? I Had made it this far! I bought a beer on the plane and fell asleep. After landing in Montreal, I had a friend who was supposed to pick me up. I told her to just wait and I would meet her after work. After obsessing about it all morning I finally gave in and went to the liquor store. I bought 2 Micky's of vodka, which I would normally do, so that I could conceal it in two spots. When I got to Trois Rivieres, on the greyhound, I was drunk and never ended up going back to the treatment centre... Yet.....
I began drinking and blacking out again, getting into fights, and getting in trouble. I ended up in jail 3 times and on my last visit the girl who I was supposed to meet came and bailed me out, because of the french speaking community I was in, I couldn't understand french and they couldn't understand English, however the cop was very specific in letting her know that If I ever came back there again, I would be in jail for a lot longer. To be continued....... "Theres a lot more to this story"
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Grateful
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